🚩 Why Do We Ignore Red Flags in Relationships?

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We’ve all been there — that nagging feeling that something’s off in a relationship, but we brush it aside. Maybe it’s a strange vibe, a recurring pattern, or a comment that didn’t sit right. Like when you’re looking for something serious but end up entertaining someone who only ever texts you late on Friday nights.

Sometimes, it’s subtler — like never feeling heard or always being the one who listens without being listened to. Yet, instead of acknowledging these warning signs, we often push forward, convincing ourselves it’s nothing.

While we could list countless red flags to watch for, this post is more about understanding why we might allow the glaring red flags we already know and recognize to slip through the cracks. So, let’s dive right in. Why do we overlook red flags in dating or relationships? Why do we stay in connections that don’t honour our worth? And how can we learn to do better — for ourselves and the people we choose to be with?

In the therapy room, it’s not uncommon to hear folks talk about “red flags” when diving into the nitty gritty of relationships. I’ve come to notice that regardless of how toxic something might seem, for many of us, they stand out to us the most when they produce conflict between what we believe and care about (aka our values), and our goals or desires for connection.

Values and goals are unique to each of us, and we all have different priorities when it comes to what we allow in romantic partnerships. However, when the conversation about red flags leaves the inside of your mind and enters conversations with friends, therapists, or even the comment sections under social media posts — the lines between what we should and shouldn’t accept gets very blurry.

…Am I just too forgiving?

When you’re deeply invested in making a relationship work, have a history of relationship trauma or are generally feeling disconnected, off, or overwhelmed, it can be hard to listen to the signals your body sends. It’s not just about being “too forgiving” or “too hopeful” — there are plenty of deeper reasons we might overlook the red flags staring us dead in the face.

Let’s break it down:.

😵‍💫 Reason #1: We’re Afraid to Be Alone

In a world that glorifies “finding the one” or settling down by a certain age, the pressure to be in a relationship can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, we stay in unhealthy relationships simply because we’re afraid of being alone. Being single can feel like a void that needs to be filled, especially when societal narratives equate being partnered with success or happiness. But staying in a relationship just to avoid loneliness can lead to even deeper emotional isolation.

🤭 Reason #2: Cultural and Familial Pressures

In many cultures and families, there’s significant pressure to marry or be partnered by a certain age. This is especially complicated in communities where dating is discouraged or prohibited for much of a young person’s life, only to suddenly expect them to be married (if you’re South Asian like myself or have traditional POC parents, you’re probably nodding along right now).

The shame and stigma surrounding being single, combined with the pressure to please, can be a fatal combination when it comes to paying attention to existing relationship issues we need to face. Choosing ourselves, even if we might disappoint others is no easy task.

😔 Reason #3: Low Self-Esteem

If you’ve ever struggled with self-worth, you know how difficult it can be to walk away from someone who claims to “love” you, even if their actions don’t align. When my clients share experiences like: “I don’t feel deserving of kindness sometimes” or “my feelings aren’t that important anyway”, we talk about how it can be easier to tolerate red flags and boundary crosses because it’s similar (and familiar) to their own negative self talk. When your self-esteem is shaky, standing up for your needs can feel impossible.

Remember: healthy love doesn’t come with conditions, or exist as something that you have to work unreasonably hard to earn.

💘 Reason #4: The Fantasy of “Perfect Love”

From fairy tales to rom-coms, we’ve all been conditioned to believe that love is effortless and flawless — a perfect fit with minimal friction. But real love is messy and complex. Many couples I work with are fixated on the idealized version of their partners, hoping and wishing for things that when examined closer are simply projected fantasies of our own. We don’t call them rose-coloured glasses for nothing.

When we cling to this perfectionistic and idealized version of love, it’s hard to see the green flags that may co-exist too. “Potential” isn’t actual, and reality requires some discomfort. If we avoid this discomfort, we unfortunately run from all the clarity that comes with it too.

🧍🏾‍♀️Reason #5: Inexperience or Unawareness

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been in a situation that in hindsight, you wouldn’t have known how to handle without actually experiencing it first. I’m sure we’d all be hands in the air right now, because when it comes down to brass tax, the best way to spot red flags is to see them in your own life and relationships. Experience often leads to awareness, so without it, the warning signs aren’t just missable, they simply ✨don’t exist✨.

🏃🏿‍♀️💨 Reason #6: Fear of Confrontation

Addressing conflict head on can be…uncomfortable at best. Instead of confronting red flags, the human tendency is to ignore them, hoping they’ll disappear out of sight for good. If you grew up in an environment where healthy conflict wasn’t shown, and ruptures to trust and respect weren’t repaired or modelled, we can end up harming others and letting those toxic red flags go unresolved and unaddressed.

So how do we break the cycle? 🥲

Change in therapy often starts with the safety to say what we feel, coupled with the trust to receive what needs to be heard. When we practice non-judgment in understanding our own patterns, we give ourselves permission to prioritize our most important needs and desires. Here are a few time tested strategies that might help you along the way:

🧘🏾‍♀️ Become one with your intuition.

Your intuition is a powerful tool. If something feels off, it’s worth paying attention to. Practice tuning in by starting with a simple pause to let your values come to the front. Before making a decision, get into the habit of asking yourself “Does this align with me? If future me could see this moment, what would they say?” Think of your values as a compass, not a road map. They work best as general guides toward the direction of what truly matters, and don’t change much regardless of where you want to go

Download: The Sensation Word Vocabulary - A small way to get more connected to the present moment via tuning into the language of your body.

🤺 Draw compassionate, but firm limits with others.

While loved ones may have good intentions, their opinions about your relationships can be overwhelming. Start by separating your own wants and needs from theirs. Then, get clear about what you’re willing to discuss and who you can turn to for support. Setting boundaries protects your emotional well-being.

💗 It’s not cringe to love “self-love.”

Building self-esteem isn’t about checking off a list of things to feel good about. It’s about building a relationship with yourself that is rooted in kindness and compassion. When you value yourself, you naturally set boundaries that protect your emotional health. Start by questioning those inner narratives — you know, the ones that tell you you’re not enough. Challenge them, and replace them with affirmations of your worth. Repeat after me: “I deserve to be in relationships that meet my needs.”

📣 Do the hard thing and say it out loud.

No need to go in guns ablaze, but it is good practice to have open conversations about the things you notice aren’t working. A calm, open way to start might look like: “I’ve noticed something, and I’d like to talk about it.” If your concerns aren’t met with understanding or respect, that’s a sign to stop and consider what that might mean for you. Don’t forget that communication still happens even when nothing is said.

💌 Isolation isn’t the answer

Struggling with relationship dynamics comes with a host of difficult emotions: resentment, shame, disappointment, anger —you name it, someone’s probably felt it. Detaching yourself and isolating from the people around you is rarely the answer to our problems, but is often a strategy we see regularly in our work.

Maybe it’s a friend who you can talk honestly with, a family member who gets you, or a therapist who can help you see some of those blind spots alongside you. We may not always welcome or need outsider perspectives, but it’s vital to practice discernment so we can reach out for support and real talk when we do.

🌳 Final Thoughts

The case for or against facing red flags isn’t up to us to decide in the end. It’s all about what makes sense for you, and sits right with your wisdom. The idea is, with more information, education and resources under your belt, you can handle toxicity in relationships more effectively and sustainably. The best relationships are made up of many things, not limited to: accountability, a sense of peace, mutual respect and a healthy dose of sincerity and vulnerability.

Let this be your friendly reminder that you deserve partnerships and relationships rooted in respect, honesty, and mutual growth. And that means the love we send ourselves too. When you get clear on your boundaries, tap into embracing your true wants, and line up in the direction of your values, things tend to feel more grounded and real. //

Written by: Zarmina Shafton, RP 

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